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(This week’s Results Show recap is brought to you again by Heather (@HeatherRecently) due to Cole “scheduling conflicts.” Has anyone ever seen him and Justin Timberlake in the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so.)

When it comes to televised talent shows, I like to play it fast and loose. Office pools for NCAA playoffs and Oscar Awards alike are tainted with bullshit statistics and insider opinions. That’s why I prefer to let Lady Luck have her way with me unprotected, in the raw, the way God intended. Yes, I’ll be making predictions before watching this week’s elimination show without any prior knowledge of the outcome.  This is the kind of chaos you can expect when Cole outsources his blog, so prepare yourselves, America.

Bottom 3: Clarice & Jess, Mitchell & Caitlyn, Ashley & Chris. The judges will slobber all over Jess’s growth (as a technical dancer, not his hidden questionably phallic tumor, although that would be quite the sight) and Clarice’s legs, keeping them safe. Mitchell will deliver with his solo but will get the “if you continue on this show, you’ll need to step it up” speech, sending Mini Leguizamo back to doing windmills on the street. In a battle to the death of who can flash her coslopus the most times in 30 seconds, Caitlyn will ultimately stay and Ashley will cry and lisp her way home. Number of times the judges say the choice was difficult: 2. Number of times Cat will awkwardly shoo contestants offstage: 3. Number of times someone will go in for a hug only to be ignored by their intended recipient: 1. OK, I think I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Kat looks very summery in her floral print dress and colorful necklace throat vajazzle. Here come the dancers in monochrome chasséing to… The Incredibles? That was certainly, um, a couple minutes. Dancers were out of sync, the staging didn’t really work, and it was just a tepid mess.  Who the hell is Michael Rooney? Hulk Hogan and Mr. Clean’s lovechild?

The horny judges are introduced along with Kristin “my back door is shut” Chenoweth and her lip synced music video. Note- I ADORE Kristin and would give my third nipple to meet her in person, but her video looks entirely overproduced and off kilter. She deserves better than what appears to be Rebecca Black’s B-team.

But this is about dance, right? Wrong! It’s about the spit swapping, according to Melanie & Marko’s intro. Of course, they are safe to smooch another day. Ashley & Chris are revealed to be in the bottom 3 (I’m 1 for 1!), and Ryan & Ricky (and their safe word) are staying another week.

Time for a break, and – what the CGI’d fuck?? Neil Patrick Harris, a veritable genius of TV, film, Broadway, and my heart, is in the new Smurfs movie? I am so conflicted with this turmoil of emotion and loyalties. This is what it must feel like to be a German Jew. Not cool, Sony Pictures. Not cool.

Back to the show, although I’m still in a daze over that tragic news. Next 3 are Jordan (who has to pee! This girl is SO REAL!) & Tadd, Miranda & Robert, and Sasha & Alexander. Last week, I admitted my lust for dancing Asians.  This week, Tadd’s mattress dance spun my bean into a frenzy. Those abs! That back! That duvet! Apparently I’m not the only one with yellow fever because they are safe, and… what’s that? Yes! Ryan goes in to give Tadd a hug as he comes offstage, but he completely bypasses her for Marko’s open arms! You can just call me Dancetradamus. Actually please don’t, because that’s a lot of pressure.

As we watch highlights from Sasha & Alexander’s piano dance, the definition for “mellifluous” appears during Lil C’s feedback (along with the requisite sound of a spinning record being stopped… although only the 30-and-over crowd would recognize it as such). It means “sweet,” or something. Why can’t he just say sweet? Damn you, Lil C, and your stereotype-defying intelligence! After a quick, grammatically simple recap of Miranda & Robert’s well received Broadway number, we find out that—they are in the bottom 3? Look what happens when you don’t dance with a prop! Let that be a lesson to you all. My bracket is totally thrown, but there’s still a good chance my final prediction will be right. Cat ushers them away with a gentle shove (1 out of 3) so Robert can warm up and Miranda can go get dressed, since she obviously only had enough time to put on a bra and panties before the show.

Finally, it’s down to Clarice & Jess and Caitlyn & Mitchell. The girls’ costumes appear to be cut from the same cutesy Western saloon cloth, while a dark, sleek Mitchell towers over suspender aficionado Jess. What’s with the smarmy smile? He’s a weird mix of kid brother and creepy clown, and his charm is fading quickly. Anyway, I picked them both to be in the bottom 3, but with a wave of her magic wand, Glinda Kristin’s endorsement of Clarice & Jess as her favorite dance of the night keeps them safe. Cat plays traffic cop again (2 of 3) as Axis, an “in-ova-tive” dance ensemble featuring performers with and without disabilities, takes the stage.

Since when are two people (a shaggy haired, wheelchair bound Jimmy Smits and a ginger able-bodied woman) an “ensemble”? Their pas de deux is powerful. It’s inspiring. It’s… Glee, without the singing, sex and slushees.

Time for the solos! Ashley does a sweet but low-key contemporary dance that might be the final nail in her performance coffin.  Mini Legz pulls out an impressive, passionate array of tricks including a mind boggling contortionist leg twisty thing and a pair of back handsprings into a back tuck. Then it’s Miranda in her underwear, whose solo is much better than Ashley’s as she airs out her pikachu all over the stage. She does some goofy jumping around at the very end- did she forget her choreography, or just realize that she’s clearly outdanced Ashley and therefore staying on the show? Robert hams it up with his usual assortment of MJ-esque moves, popping and locking, and a headstand. (His music is by Jamie Foxx- a little on the nose there, don’t you think, Robert?)

Another commercial break, which triggers horrific memories of the NPH incident, and then Caitlyn is up. She is clearly emotionally strained and you can feel her pleading to be kept, but she loses her center out of both sets of multiple pirouettes and the desperation translates to a lack of confidence not suffered by the other two girls. The final solo is by Mitchell, and he just kills it. Is there anything more beautiful than a tall, sinewy black man dressed in flowing white linen soaring through the air? Probably so, but until *you* are writing a guest blog, keep your comments to yourself. He has more control over himself than Carnie Wilson at the Sizzler buffet. Then, Nigel stuns us all when he says Kristin doesn’t want to send anyone home as the judges go off to deliberate.

The Best Ballroom Dancers In The Universe are introduced, and although I swear Cat said 3 names, there’s only 2 of them. They are dancing to a song from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Last of the Mohicans (shout out to Doug Benson!) in an effort to be hip and relatable to the youth of today, or something. That’s right kids! Ballroom will get you all the pussies! The choreography looks like it was taken from an ice skating routine- the lifts are stunning. At one point, the man is spinning in place with both arms outstretched as the woman balances her uterus on his head. You have to see it to believe it. He also gives her a pap smear, and I begin to suspect he’s secretly an amateur OB/GYN.  Who knew ballroom could be so educational?

The big moment is here. Which girl is going home? Nigel tells us they love all 3 girls, they are not unanimous, and the decision was very difficult (YES! 1 down, 1 to go!).  Miranda is the most improved and most changed, so tonight they are—sending her home?? What is even going on? Did you SEE Ashley dance compared to her? Everyone is audibly sharting themselves in surprise. Cat gives her a consoling hug, Miranda says some final words, and she sent away to go sit on the Stool of Failure (patent pending). Even though it wasn’t technically off the stage, I’m counting it- 3 for 3 on the awkwardness, Cat!

As for the boys, the judges are in agreement. Mitchell dances wonderfully “for his life” but isn’t connecting to the public, Mini Legz is doing a good job but needs better growth, and Robert’s great personality isn’t enough to keep him on the show… which is why he gets sent home. So much for Dancetradamus- I didn’t even predict Miranda or Robert to be in the bottom 3. As Cat tells him that his enthusiasm is “infectious,” we get a close up of some bleeding sores on his face. Did I miss something? Is it National AIDS Awareness week? The audience indulges him in a group “Woooo!” complete with vibrato, and the rest of the dancers rush the stage to hug their latest casualties.

That means I correctly guessed 2 out of the 3 bottom couples, but did not see Miranda & Robert’s departure coming at all. Mitchell *was* told to step it up, sorta, and the girls certainly gave everyone plenty of crotch. The judges once alluded to a difficult choice and again said it outright, so I’m giving myself 1.5 out of 2 on that one. Cat lived up to my 3 stage clearing moments, and Ryan got shut down from hugging Tadd. I’ll see you next week, Lady Luck, when Cole returns to fill our pop culture holes with goodness. Until then, keep spreading those legs!

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