First of all, let’s be clear. Vanessa is writing this. Cole is somewhere setting a jet or something. Because I am a woman I will issue a DISCLAIMER: I am not a regular viewer of the program and I AM drinking. I am also hanging out with my friend Mandy (hey girl!) and she is also drinking. (So you can picture it- we are on the couch with one of my dogs. Mandy is a small beautiful Australian. I am none of these three but I am feeling rambunctious tonight.)
OVERALL NOTE: Take anything bitchy I say with a grain of salt. Bottom line: these are all amazing performers and I love how positive the program is. As a whole, the show frustrates me, because I’m pretty sure my body didn’t come with some standard issue joints. How do they DO that?
IT BEGINS: The show kicks off with what I am CERTAIN is Anne Hathaway in a Marilyn Monroe costume. I didn’t know she was on this show! And why can’t she afford a better wig? Oh, it’s NOT Anne Hathaway! It is a completely different person who can’t afford a better wig. And her name is Cat Deely and apparently she is the Ryan Seacrest of the show. (I tell this comparison to Mandy, and she says, “She’s not like Ryan Seacrest at all! Isn’t he wee? Isn’t she a monster? He would be like a little parrot on her shoulder!”)
Boom! Flash! Dancers run out, do a fun Westside Story-esque strut and shimmy- then STRIKE A POSE. I love it when people strike poses!
Now, we go to the judges!:
WHO THEY ARE:
Nigel Lythgoe. He is the resident intelligent British judge and he’s also a talent-TV gazilionaire. Lil’ C— I don’t know you. Are you a rapper? I only ask because of the “Lil” part of your name. He is apparently a “busy buckster.” Do I need to Google this or will he clarify? Oh, He’s a dancer and is going to be a rapper soon. Some producer is going to be MAD at Cat for saying, “Oh Lil C, ABSOLUTELY you should perform at the finale!” There’s a lot of red tape that you wouldn’t even understand, Cat! Maybe she’ll grow on me? Mary Murphy, don’t know you either. You look like an Osmond gone wrong, but that could be a good thing. Ooh, guest judge Kristin Chenoweth! You have my interest piqued, ma’am. Oh no, Cat says Kristin is making a country album? Say it ain’t so. Nope, it’s so. Is that necessary?
Sidenote— that came out in 1997??? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE! I snap out of my depression and the dancers, still in the prime of their youth, undulate, grab, thrust their chairs up and down filled with young blood and fueled by the promise of the future. Me? I am so old. So very old. We are made aware that before each partner-dance we are going to be seeing childhood pictures of the dancers for (ugh) “a trip down memory lane.” As a first time viewer, this is not an exciting prospect.
SASHA & ALEXANDER:
MEMORY LANE: Childhood photo SHOCKER: Sasha was a tomboy! She is afraid of frogs, including “the name Frog.” What kind of circles does Sasha run in that she is meeting people named Frog. Apparently little dapper-fancy-Alexander has always been little dapper-fancy-Alexander. This is a man who is impeccably groomed, and I appreciate that.
THE CHOREOGRAPHER: Dee Caspry. He looks like a rugby player-turned choreographer which I don’t often say. They are doing some sort of piano-themed dance. Dee says the keys represent the keys of his heart. Shit is getting deep.
THE DANCE: Suspenders for our dapper gentleman (I approve! Suspenders and tight pants are good for pretty butts! Do you guys remember Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s butt in “Inception”? Now THAT was a butt. I tried to Google image it but came up dry. Further proof the Internet is made for he-pervs not she-pervs. The injustice of it all!) and Sasha looks ravishing in a nude sparkly thing. Narrative wise… I think Sasha is casting a spell on him? He is maybe Pinocchio and she is the fairy in Pinocchio? Then, CREEPY WHAT THE HELL?! Sasha disappears as if eaten by the piano, then all of the sudden her hands jut out over the keys like dismembered ghost hands and Alexander just plays on in some sort of half-dead Lady Gaga duet. I am going to have a nightmare. Great.
JUDGES SAY: Nigel said something about Alexander’s “baby package” and I think we were all confused….. it certainly seemed penis-y in intention, but apparently it was a reference to the slide-show. While the judges talk, Alexander smiles, his teeth coated with a thin pink film of blood that no one talks about. Oh, Mary Murphy. Who ARE you and who put your voice in a blender and then let you use it? Kristin loved the routine and revealed she has been peed on but not in a sexy way Lil’ C, you use Vocabulary Words and want us to make note of it. Oh, something was “mellifluous!” Well, Lil’ C, if you’re so “intelligent” (smart) why don’t your “spectacles” (glasses) have “lenses” (glass) in them? Like a curling ribbon that’s been run across scissors too many times (that’s a comparison for all our dedicated crafting readers) Cat Deely’s wig is slowly losing its bounce, sloppily and sadly drooping towards her shoulders.
MITCHELL AND CAITLYNN:
MEMORY LANE: Caitlynn was a ALSO a tomboy!!! But she was never allowed to dress like one, and her kid pictures are a bit “Toddlers and Tiaras.” ( PS: T&T is on at 10 and I need to watch that. When is this over?) Mitchell started dancing late, but a video clip shows us he has always looooved to roll his body.
CHOREOGRAPHER: Did this guy just sell his fine-cheese boutique? I didn’t catch his name. Sorry.
THE DANCE: OK.I am not feeling the deep-v on Robert or the cruise wear on Caitlynn. I didn’t like this dance, then they started booty popping. Gosh, I’m an easy sell. I am trash! I need to stop imagining these people naked but I can’t.
THE JUDGES: Cat pronounces the routine (over-pronounces) “boo-tee-licious.” Seriously guys… is Mary Murphy ok? Should she be doing this? I think she just had a stroke, followed by like 5 after shocks. Kristin says “Shut the front door!” in a way that lets us know she is definitely trying to make that her catchphrase. Lil’ C wants ventilation. Buckus again! What is this “buckus”? Everyone loved everything. Nigel proclaims Mitchell the “Chris Rock of SYTYCD.” And I couldn’t agree more! They’re both black guys! Wait, I mean, what? What the hell does that mean Nigel? I feel like Cat has said “Oh I don’t need the flash cards I’ll just do some ad-libbing there. I looooove to ad-lib,” so many times that everyone was like, fine. Go ahead Cat. We have Mary to worry about.
MIRANDA AND ROBERT:
MEMORY LANE: Miranda has always looked like Miranda. Why isn’t Robert the Chris Rock of the show? He wants to be funny at least.
CHOREOGRAPHER: Tyce sort of looks like a choreographer but more so he looks like he should be on “Million Dollar Decorator.”
THE DANCE: Miranda plays a hooker. A lot of walking around and pushing. Robert is in love with music though, so stop trying! This dance looks easy. Am I drunk? I really think I can do this dance, ya’ll! I want to try! It seems very doable to me right now. Miranda looks like Amy Adams playing Eleanor Roosevelt in a TV movie.
THE JUDGES: Lil’ C says Miranda is “metamorphosizing” before his eyes, and then he had the nerve to use the stale compliment that Robert “has the kind of personality that is only achieved if the planets are perfectly aligned when you are born.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that from a loquacious rapper! Shit. 6 more routines!?
MELANIE AND MARKO: Melanie is a crazy Carrie Mulligan who pulled a Felicity on what seems like it was long beautiful curly hair. Marko insinuates dance was a cure for his ADHD.
CHOREOGRAPHERS: The Dumo’s are a choreographing team who look like they’d rather be at an Ed Hardy sample sale.
THE DANCE: The idea seems to be Avril Lavigne has seduced a waiter at a Bucco de Beppo. I love this dance. I want to do lyrical hip hop! Mandy does too! Can you imagine just popping and ****REAL KISS!! REAL KISS! REAL KISS! **** It wasn’t even awkward- it seemed super real…. Audience shot: The Dumos kissed each other too! I can almost hear him mutter in her ear, “Baby, that was us dancing up there, that was us.”
THE JUDGES: Lil C thinks it was buck. So “buck” IS a thing. Buck means good. C gives a shout out to “Nappy Taps.” Or is he “Nappy Taps?? Oh noooo… Mary Murphy just had her world rocked. Nigel just KISSED HER and she is freaking out! Why would anyone do that? Is this bullying? She lets out a screech that the Owls of Ga’hoole would be envious of. Kristin makes it real deep with her comments. Then she kisses Lil C’, her tongue jutting right through his faux glasses.
Shit. this goes to 9.30?! I CANNOT MISS TODDLERS AND TIARAS AND THAT COMES ON AT 10. Mandy just admitted to me she has a crush on Daniel Radcliffe. I think things have changed between us forever. After a particularly rude glance from me, she tries, meekly, “He’s rich as well!” Still, no thanks, Mandy. No thanks.
ASHLEY AND CHRIS:
MEMORY LANE: The good news is that Ashley grew into her mouth. Chris is one of 6 kids! Somewhere an executive at TLC just woke up with a wonderful, awful idea. 6 Kids and Dancing!
CHOREOGRAPHER: Sonya! Now HERE is a choreographer. As Chris recoils when she enters the room she asks, “Why is everyone scared of me?” Because you look like a sorceress in Southwestern jam-pants, Sonya.
THE DANCE: Scary. Thriller meets Adam and Eve. They move well, but baby, mamma needs more big fat bass. (Long ‘a’, not like Big Mouth Billy Bass) It is nice to watch but also, not. And the song is boring.
JUDGES SAY: Nigel no like. Mary (please don’t scream please don’t scream please don’t scream) is ok with it… another meh. Kristin, compares herself to Paula Abdul because she is so positive, but you are way too coherent for me to entertain that comparison. Lil’ C is a fan of the sorceress’s work. She has cast her spell well.
CLARICE AND JESS:
MEMORY LANE: Clarice was a cute very normal kid with a video of her at three saying: “howwa boud my dassing?” Aw, Jess loved his dad. I am over these flashbacks.
THE DANCE: Sorry this is not impressing me. (how jaded I’ve become after an hour and twenty minutes of this show. ) But compared to the other routines SNOOZE FEST.
THE JUDGES: Mary Murphy loves it. (Mandy wants to know what sort of dancer Mary Murphy is. I don’t know. We decide we don’t want to Wikipedia this.) Kristin says it was her favorite performance of the night. It’s becoming abundantly clear I don’t know what dance is. Lil C? Please be on my side? Nope. Lil’ C says they “put a face on the smile of Jean Marc’s heart.” Think about that for a second and realize it means nothing. Nigel loved it too. It’s a jizz fest up in here. I feel very, very alone right now. Thank god Mandy is here, who knows what I’d do? Mandy thinks that Lil C and Kanye would be friends and tweet back and forth in all caps. FINALLY I agree with someone. Mandy and I make a strange pact to always beckon to each other with the words, “Come on, soldier.” It has something to do with ice cream? Things are getting stranger.
RICKY AND RYAN:
MEMORY LANE: Ricky was BORN TO MOVE. I can tell this guy is good and I’m already steeling myself for Mary’s screams. Ryan, blah blah blah.
CHOREOGRAPHER: The sorceress, Sonya, has returned and spews her dark magic onto these nubile creatures. General show note: These girl-dancers are DETERMINED to show us their bras. Very well then.
THE DANCE: This is an emotional piece and very pretty. There is a long black scarf attached to Ryan and Ricky is tugging it and I just KNOW it means something (because I am very artistic and very in-tune with Art and deep meanings.)
JUDGES SAY: Kristin loves it. Lil’ C just said something Very Important and then pronounced the whole ordeal BUCKNESS. In the audience, Sonya gets very emotional… The sorceress sheds a tear and somewhere a baby horse bursts into flame. Nigel loves it. Mary loves it and also controls her voice the whole time. I am so relieved. This show is 2 hours? Shit.
JORDAN AND TADD:
MEMORY LANE: Jordan did a “piece” to “Spice Up your Life” in first grade. I love that she calls it a piece. That’s like me calling what I did to a piano at that age a movement. Tadd was nerdy but he’s gorgeous now so who cares. They are going to be doing a bed dance. And Jordan is not used to doing bed dances, so this is SERIOUS.
THE DANCE: It’s like a hip-hop morning after pill commercial? Tadd should probably never wear a shirt. Shit, he put his shirt on. Oh good he took it off! I like this dance. Mandy’s note: “That must be a really bouncy bed.”
THE JUDGES: Lil C gives another shout out to Nappy Taps. Is he saying “Nappy Taps”? Because that’s what I’m hearing. He likes it, but I don’t think it’s his favorite because he doesn’t throw out a verbose and made-up platitude. Nigel loves it. Kristin wants people to join her in saying “Shut the front door.” But no one really caught on to that catchphrase so it doesn’t go over well. A good rule of thumb is that you need to say something 3 or more times before it is a catchphrase. Jordan and Tadd throw up their voting number (8) like a gang sign (perhaps a cool new gang called the Crazy 8s) and it’s disturbing.
WOO! FINAL ROUTINE! Mandy and I erupt in applause. Can two people erupt? Because we did. This is a very long show and it’s t-7 minutes till T & T.
GROUP ROUTINE: The idea is that the women are killing the men. I think this choreographer (rugby dude) has some REAL lady issues. It’s like Renfair Porn. I want a crowd shot of the Sorceress. Methinks the good lady would be pleased. It’s a very pretty dance, and I am strangely emotional during it. Poisoning a loved one is so sexy that I just might consider it.
THE EFFING END. I NEED SPRAY TANS, FLIPPERS AND TARLYNN!