Have you done your monthly self-exam for breast and/or testicular cancer?
Great! Then it’s time to recap So You Think You Can Dance!
Coming back for his second year as a guest judge, it’s JT Fergs from Ann Romney-bot’s favorite TV show!
Adorned in an off-white tux, a bow tie that looks like it was used to clean up a chocolate-covered blueberry disaster, and the finest in peach fuzz invisi-beards, Jesse is clearly here to paaaaaaahhh-tay!
Another format change for the Top 8 means each dancer will dance with an All-Star AND do a solo after their e-Harmony video profile. Tiffany is first up, but her clip package seems to be from her older sister’s memorial service…? It’s 90% past tense reminiscing about unnamed big sis with a few of Tiffany’s sound bites thrown in at the last minute. We learn that growing up in Florida means you have to love 3 things- but according to Tiffany, they aren’t Jews, the elderly, and elderly Jews, so someone needs to get their facts checked. Her solo is to a song by the Glee Cast- Fox is going super meta. At the end we see Mystery Sister in the audience… or is it HER GHOST?!? What a thrilling mystery!
Witney’s hip hop duet with Twitch was created by new-to-SYTYCD-USA-but-not-SYTYCD-Canada Luther Brown. It promises to be extremely “ratchet.” It does not, however, define what ratchet means…
..but apparently it means “seriously good” because Witney took this dance, hung it by its hind legs, performed a clean incision from sternum to belly button, removed the abdominal organs, skinned the hide from the carcass, and processed it into a variety of fine cuts. Even her facial expressions were ghetto fab. Nigel’s Perv Quote of the Day was delivered early in the show, with: “Do all young 18 year old Mormon girls from Utah dance like this?” Trust me, the crazed look in his eye made it clear that he was mentally removing Witney’s “diaper pants” (as Jesse termed them).
Oh hey, look what’s next! The most uncomfortable prom threesome in the world!
Will shares his transformation story about how he want from a naughty little chubster to high school homecoming king that’s knee deep in pussy 24-sevs, then Cole and Allison hit the stage. He’s playing “a soulless, sadistic man” and she’s “a desperate woman vying for his heart” in a piece that Sonja Tayeh might as well call “My Childhood Lacked Positive Role Models”.
Despite a song littered with screeching violins and screeching Bjork (also note Allison’s feathery white gown, possibly a nod to Bjork’s infamous swan dress), this was pretty spectacular. I don’t know that I’d say Cole was the star of the show, but to his credit, almost all of the already-difficult lifts also had super-duper-difficult holds. Look at this shit-
One arm! He lifted her AND held that position! This dance cemented my admiration for Allison more than anything else, but Cole certainly didn’t fuck anything up.
Lindsay’s home life is about as squeaky clean as it comes- she has three blonde-haired blue-eyed sisters, they all dance at her perfect and beautiful mom’s dance studio in Utah, and there is probably a collection of Marie Osmand dolls on display somewhere in their house. In contrast, her solo was enough to send a few million missionaries down the river and through the woods, if ya know whaddaye mean.
(I mean ejaculation.)
I was really looking forward to Eliana’s dance this week, but my spirit is dampened a little when she gets the Quick Step. The story is basically the suburban 1950’s version of Sonja’s routine: bored housewife craves husband’s attention/peen.
I gotta say- this was surprisingly fun and engaging to watch! Eliana and her All Star Ryan (*shrug*) were in absolutely perfect sync from beginning to end. Mary gave Eliana’s technique a shrill, Xanax-laden seal of approval, and Jesse even made a point to praise last week’s Bang Bang dance because he “honestly cannot stop thinking about it.” You tell ‘em, Uncle Mitch!
Chehon was born in Chicago, got adopted by Swiss Sally Jesse Raphael & Andy Warhol, then went off to Ballet Hogwarts to perfect his dance wizardry.
His solo was beautiful- it was like that dancing plastic bag scene from the beginning of American Beauty, but with less homophobia and suicide. Cat pointed out that his munchkin mother was in the audience for the first time, too!
Lindsay and Alex are paired with Sonja for a jazz piece (a little bit of a weird fit for both Alex AND Sonja) that Lindsay describes as a “chilled out” sexual attack. That’s what I imagine happens when Honey Boo Boo’s parents are feeling frisky- raw sexual passion that doesn’t involve putting down the Cheetos or Keystone Lite. Anyway, luckily for us, that scene only exists on the cutting room floor at TLC.
The dark red lighting is very much reminiscent of Alex’s dance last week, the music comes up, and they—NO. Seriously? They’re using that Goatee-Yay song?? Literally ANY OTHER SONG would’ve been less cliché. Hell, Yakkity Sax would’ve been an improvement.
The choreography is very… writhy. I have to agree with Nigel (even though it makes me feel dirty)- great technique, but he “didn’t feel their sexual tension”. Mary calls it “a ‘no’ in the chemistry department” (so much for a SYTYCD/Breaking Bad crossover), and Fergie tells Lindsay she’s “ding-dong-dorable.” If she doesn’t put that on her gravestone, I hope Joey Smith or whoever doesn’t let her into Mormon Heaven.
This is Will’s big shot at showing us his alleged “serious side” with a Christopher Scott hip-hop number. His character has to “dance the pain away”, which is ironic because Lauren Gottlieb is on stage with him the entire time.
(she landed on the couch, unfortunately)
It was kinda “meh”, although the judges seemed to like it. JT nailed it when he described Will as “an adorable puppy, covered in puppies that are adorable with stickers that say ‘adorable puppy’ wearing a hat that says ‘I’m an adorable puppy’.” Nigel praises him for downplaying his usual cheesiness, but imagine how different it would’ve been with Cole or Cyrus in that role. He’s still got a ways to go. Also I probably should mention that Nigel makes a joke about having Lauren appear whenever he’s down, and he’s planning to be “down tonight”, so…. ugh. Enough, Nigel. We get it. You’re a horny straight man and you want to stick it in all the girls and aren’t you such a dapper gent for not running around with a raging boner all the time.
Lindsay II Witney, also Mormon, comes from a small town and a huge family. Stop the presses.
They show a 2-second clip of her on a horse, which tells me everything I need to know.
(Warning- horse talk ahead.) First of all, she’s in shorts. That’s like showing up for a ballet class in jeans; you don’t do it and there are good reasons why (namely, chaffing, pinching leather, and the lack of protection for riding through brush or even getting your leg smushed up against a fence). Her boots are that “fashionable” slouch style which is entirely inappropriate for riding. Her toes are pointed deep into the stirrups- another red flag of having no idea what you’re doing. She’s riding with two hands in a curb bit-kind of a nitpicky error to point out because there are times when it’s OK, but in her case, it’s because of her inexperience. She’s pitched way forward in her saddle, the saddle pad doesn’t fit her horse right, and she’s riding with the horse’s halter on under the bridle- something I always associate with rental horse strings. She may be a brilliant ballroom dancer, but she is NO equestrian!
Now that I’m off my high horse (hyuck hyuck hyuck)… I think it’s funny the way her dad is so uncomfortable with the sexuality of ballroom dancing, but he’s part of a culture that obviously has no problem with making LOTS of babies.
Wow, things really got political there. Sorry about that. Witney’s dad makes it through her solo with a begrudging smile, then Cole tells us about his awkward childhood which led him into martial arts and dance. He even won a Junior Olympic silver medal at age 11, so that’s pretty cool.
Cyrus and last year’s pixie-haired winner Melanie have a Mandy Moore jazz dance.
Even though it’s quirky and weird- and not in the good way- Cyrus is just so darn fun to watch. He sticks his tongue out, makes a bunch of silly faces, his ear disc thing goes flying just as Cole (Stratton, your PMC host with a sizable amount) predicted several podcasts ago… and as Nigel points out, he hasn’t been one of the bottom dancers, even though he’s never heard of Bob Fosse.
Eliana went to the Joffrey for ballet when she was 16, which goes to show how exceptional of a dancer she really is. Her solo is a beautiful blend of traditional ballet en pointe with lyrical and contemporary elements mixed in. As Cat comments, it will have lots of little girls at home saying “Mommy, I want to be a ballerina!”
Chehon and Anya tackle the Tango, where with the Latin music and style he looks like a Shark from West Side Story.
Everyone loses their shit like they did with last week’s Eliana & Alex dance… standing O from the judges, people were crying, babies were conceived… it was intense. Mary put Chehon on the HTT and called it her favorite dance of the night. Not to be outdone, Jesse lets Chehon aboard the Hot Jalapeño Bus, and Nigel spares us any comments about what type of transportation he has to offer Anya.
In Cyrus’ clip package, he talks about the death of his dad when he was 10 and how his mom has been a strong presence in his life. So strong, in fact, he decided to take her to prom.
This is the first time since Vegas week that he’s done a solo in his style- which is pretty amazing considering how long ago that was. But it was worth the wait- his feet barely left the ground, he didn’t have any fancy tricks, but I got chills! His performance had that effect on the judges that white people get when they listen to a Too $hort CD with the bass turned all the way up- they get ghetto. Nigel started throwing gang signs and screaming “ratchett!” like a reeeeeeal black person.
Speaking of street cred, Tiffany and Ade apparently can’t stop singing along to their Celine Dion song. Side note- I’m pretty sure that’s him in the video of the guy doing the front aerial that they show right after the commercials are over, and I’m in awe every time.
You guys, I have the hugest jealousy boner right now. He manhandles her like she weighs nothing (which isn’t far from the truth) and even though the song is cheesy as fuck, they make it borderline erotic. It’s another standing ovation/tear-filled reception by the audience and judges. It’s Tiffany’s best dance of the season, according to Mary. I have a bone to pick with Cat and Nigel though- they BOTH say “to quote One Direction, (Tiffany) doesn’t know she’s beautiful.” Uhhh have you guys seriously never heard that Sammy Kershaw song from (…googling…) 1993?? Granted, the syntax is slightly less eloquent, but let’s give credit where credit is due! Between this and Witney’s horse thing, this episode is NOT very redneck-friendly!
That’s the end of the dances and my long-winded commentary. Let’s get eliminatin’! The bottom two girls are The Ballroom Twins, and the boys are Will and Cole. (Confession- my heart fluttered when I saw the look of relief on Cyrus’ face when he realized he was safe!) In a moment of “déjà vu”, as Witney notes, it’s between her and Lindsay one final time. Without any real explanation, Nigel says Witney’s the one they’re keeping. He doesn’t offer any reasoning with the boys either, but they keep Cole, sending Lindsay and Will off the show. No big surprise with the boys since Cole is more versatile, especially as an actor, and the girls are so similar that you might as well draw a name from a hat.
We’re almost to the end of the season! Next week it’s down to Witney, Eliana, Tiffany, Cyrus, Cole, and Chehon… who do you think will make it? Tell me in the comment section, along with what you thought of the show and whatever else is on your mind. It’s almost time to announce the winner of our PMC SYTYCD prize pack, too, so keep those comments coming!