(This week’s Results Show recap is brought to you again by Heather (@HeatherRecently) due to Cole “scheduling conflicts.” Has anyone ever seen him and Justin Timberlake in the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so.)

When it comes to televised talent shows, I like to play it fast and loose. Office pools for NCAA playoffs and Oscar Awards alike are tainted with bullshit statistics and insider opinions. That’s why I prefer to let Lady Luck have her way with me unprotected, in the raw, the way God intended. Yes, I’ll be making predictions before watching this week’s elimination show without any prior knowledge of the outcome.  This is the kind of chaos you can expect when Cole outsources his blog, so prepare yourselves, America.

Bottom 3: Clarice & Jess, Mitchell & Caitlyn, Ashley & Chris. The judges will slobber all over Jess’s growth (as a technical dancer, not his hidden questionably phallic tumor, although that would be quite the sight) and Clarice’s legs, keeping them safe. Mitchell will deliver with his solo but will get the “if you continue on this show, you’ll need to step it up” speech, sending Mini Leguizamo back to doing windmills on the street. In a battle to the death of who can flash her coslopus the most times in 30 seconds, Caitlyn will ultimately stay and Ashley will cry and lisp her way home. Number of times the judges say the choice was difficult: 2. Number of times Cat will awkwardly shoo contestants offstage: 3. Number of times someone will go in for a hug only to be ignored by their intended recipient: 1. OK, I think I’m ready. Let’s do this.

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First of all, let’s be clear.  Vanessa is writing this.  Cole is somewhere setting a jet or something.    Because I am a woman I will issue a DISCLAIMER: I am not a regular viewer of the program and I AM drinking.  I am also hanging out with my friend Mandy (hey girl!) and she is also drinking.   (So you can picture it- we are on the couch with one of my dogs.  Mandy is a small beautiful Australian.  I am none of these three but I am feeling rambunctious tonight.)

OVERALL NOTE: Take anything bitchy I say with a grain of salt.  Bottom line:  these are all amazing performers and I love how positive the program is.  As a whole, the show frustrates me, because I’m pretty sure my body didn’t come with some standard issue joints.  How do they DO that?

IT BEGINS: The show kicks off with what I am CERTAIN is Anne Hathaway in a Marilyn Monroe costume.  I didn’t know she was on this show!  And why can’t she afford a better wig?   Oh, it’s NOT Anne Hathaway!  It is a completely different person who can’t afford a better wig.  And her name is Cat Deely and apparently she is the Ryan Seacrest of the show.  (I tell this comparison to Mandy, and she says, “She’s not like Ryan Seacrest at all! Isn’t he wee? Isn’t she a monster?  He would be like a little parrot on her shoulder!”)

Boom! Flash! Dancers run out, do a fun Westside Story-esque strut and shimmy- then STRIKE A POSE. I love it when people strike poses!

Now, we go to the judges!:

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